I Wish...

I was breath taking. I had a great smile. I had the ideal body. I had better hair. I had better skin. I was funny. I was outgoing. I was nicer. I was a better friend. I was good at a sport. I had better clothes. I was smarter. I didn't have insecurities. That I didn't have this stupid pop culture telling me how I should look, dress, act, and what I should like. But most of all, most of all, I wish that I wasn't dumb enough to believe it all.

What I learned this summer...

-I have a long lost asian twin
-God plays Mao
-Rocky Horror Picture Show is the 8th wonder of the world
-Life is more fun when you put yourself out there
-I have a serious caffine addiction
-All the people I make friends with are usually WAY smarter than me
-I suck at spelling
-I have a good intimidating Mao master glare
-Jesus went to gov school
-Acting is just as hard as I thought it would be
-The status is not quo
-I can use chop sticks! :D
-Between opera and the bible the porn industry could be put out of business
-I am 1/3 asian and 1/3 black
-Long distance friendships suck, but are doable
-I will ALWAYS be a procrastinator
-I was definately not over something I thought I had put in the past
-My favorite three people in the world, in order, are the guy that created fun dip, Seth MacFarlane, and the Dr. Pepper people
-I love myself a little more
-I really am to focused on my looks(not changing anytime soon though)
-Every time I donate blood, it hurts a little more
-Soda is bad for my voice
-Friends are the most valuable part of a persons life
-There is a connection between fuzzy purple bibles and Spock wearing fuzzy pink bunny ears
-Gov School does come to an end
-I have the guts(or lack of sense, which ever you prefer) to go out in public in a bra and fish nets
-Gold speedos are hard to find
-I wish all guys were gay
-Life would be vastly improvedif at the snap of your fingers you had an instant mob of people with fire and pitch forks to agree with you in an arguement
-Apparently, it's "Jeans" Christ, not Jesus
-I can only go so long without Facebook
-5 hour energy shots will not give me a heart attack
-How to say good bye to multiple friends for extended periods of time
-I wish it was June again...

GROW

No matter how I look at it, this year has undeniably been the most important year of my life. I think that this can be said for each new year I’ve lived through. The next always takes precedence over the one before. And this will remain a fact due to the basis of all life—growth. This inevitable part of life-whether welcomed or forced-comes as a guide to the next phases of life. It does not prepare you for the future so much as it just opens your eyes to the past.

At the beginning of my junior year, I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams that it would end the way it did. So much has happened this year that I can hardly remember who I was when it started. She shortest nine and a half months I can remember passing by have had the most extreme impact that nine and a half months can have on a person. Back in August, my mind was made up, my determination was set, and my expectations were high. It only took about two or three weeks AP English alone to bring all those goals which I had made crashing to the ground. (This isn’t even including all my other classes and out of school activities). But before this, I had come up with a theme for my year: GROW. This was going be the year that changed it all. I even drew a picture that had the word “grow” proudly boasted across the center. I put it on the cover of my folder to remind me of what this year had in store, but about a month into school it went from being an inspirational reminder to a mocking eyesore. It was soon after removed and forgotten. And so, I turned to face my most difficult year of school yet with a heavy, hopeless heart.

My academics took a turn for the worst. This was clearly not my most outstanding year as far as they were concerned. In fact, it is safe to say that it was my worst. But while all this was happening, there were many other parts of my life-unbeknownst to me-taking a turn for the better. My innate need to keep myself quiet and invisible from all except my friends was slowly melting away. I have many people-a few in particular-and circumstances-mostly musical-to thank for that. The majority didn’t and will never know that they were helping me. At the time, even I didn’t know anything was taking place. My long dormant confidence was starting to take root and bud. Though this change was slow and probably unnoticed by those around me, as I started to notice a difference, it was considerably one of the most fantastic transformations in my life to this point. Without those positive impacts, I believe that this past year would have been the most damaging year I could have lived through. I wasn’t at the point of flunking out of high school, but when you befriend and come into a lot of contact with really smart and driven people day in and day out, and are watching your once high standards crash around you without being able to make yourself care enough to do anything about it, it does stuff to you. This balance of success and failure was enough to drive me insane, but turned out to be the sweetest mixture of life I could have asked for.

Being able to look back at this year as the person I am today is having and will have an invaluable impact on my future. My successes have made me a more confident person, while my failures have caused me to stop, clear my head, and get ready to do this all over again next year, but better. I knew junior year was going to be hard, but you can never really understand something until you live through it yourself. Upon sorting through memories from the beginning of the year, I found myself recalling the memory of a certain piece of paper with the word GROW in all caps proudly boasted across the center. I laughed out loud when I thought of this. I thought long and hard about the past year of my life and realized that without even knowing or trying, I had grown more than I could have imagined or hoped for. I am still looking for my first true self defining moment, but all the small steps I’ve taken this year have really been one big step towards that moment. As much as the thought of growth and change scare me sometimes, the thought of not growing scares me more. People come in and out of your life all the time and change you in ways that neither you nor they may ever know. There have been numerous people like that in my life-though I do plan to hang on to a select few forever. I have decided that I will never stop learning, changing, or growing. Ok, so all of those things are inevitable and will happen whether I want them to or not. But that’s the exciting part; I do want them to happen.

Nothing Much

OK, so this is by no stretch of the imagination a literary masterpiece. It’s just something I came up with when I was at school and wanted to be anywhere else. If you really try to use all your senses and put yourself into the scene, it’s not half bad(but that's just my opinion :)).

Summer Night Dream

Dancing in the moonlight
Singing to the stars
The waves crash a few yards out
White sea foam plays at our feet
The cool salt air fills out lungs
We inhale to share our next melody
Singing to no one but the sky
Warm sand gives way
We trudge up to the crackling fire
The sea to our backs
But the waves still resound
Like memories, as this soon will be

Rock Bottom

It has always been my firm belief that hitting rock bottom is an essential part of life. It is the true test that will either make or break you. No one can escape this most enlightening experience of life. And I say 'enlightening' in all seriousness. No matter how long you stay down, the only way out is up, and the only way up is facing the problem head on. You can grow so much stronger in so many ways by finally dealing with your issue--or in some cases being forced to face the problem. What is experienced at this all time low is just as important as what is experienced on the way back up. If fixing a serious problem in your life means going through some pain and hardships, then I hope that pain hurts bad enough to keep you on track the next time.

Everyone needs to hit rock bottom at some point in their life. If that means jail for some, so be it. If others have to live out on the street to get their act together, fine. I have no bias from person to person in these situations. (Not even with family which I can say from experience.) I'm not saying that the first time someone makes a mistake they should be put out on the streets. I'm talking about the people that have used chance after chance and have worn their welcome of any neccesary sympathy and help.

On an entirely less dramatic note, I have now hit my rock bottom in procrastination. My junior year in highschool is proving to be a bitch and I still have some really bad working habits. Everything has been last minute all year and my grades are finally catching up to me. I am pulling my first official "all-nighter" (it's now 2:18 a.m.) to do a rough draft for a research paper due in a few hours. I will have been awake for over 30 hours before I sleep again and I am barely awake now. I am starting on it the night before, even after it's had its due date extended. Terrible, I know. But I am starting to see the light. I had a revelation while I was trying to think throuhg my 'writer's block' and trying to start my second body paragraph. As simple as this may seem, it took 17 years to occur to me, "Oh, that's why you start before the day before it's due. So that you don't have to think about it all at once."

No matter what your rock bottom looks like, you're bound to hit it sooner or later. And more than likely, you'll see more than one, but you will learn something each time. Recognize it, accept it, and work through it...or be miserable.